Trailer Power Rankings: Steve ?Jobs? Is Still Unbeatable

Friday means one thing in this house: Trailer Power Rankings. We?ve got a few movers and shakers among the trailers that bothered to show up this week. A few trailers have popped up pretending to be showing up for the first time when I previously showcased them months ago, but don?t worry, I?m not going to waste any time at all on those second run. Only the freshest, most vibrant crop for our consumption.

Got a little crossover this week with funny man Josh Gad showing up in two separate films, although any other connections between the films were not as obvious. There is a bit of a power and control motif going on, controlling ourselves and others through any means necessary, exerting time, effort and energy as well as finite resources. But, that?s kind of what every story?s about, in the end. Gotta dumb comedy or two thrown into the mix, along with some meditations on sex and society. By 2019, our analysts predict that every film will have Gad in it for at least two minutes, potentially less.

On to the rankings!

1.) ?Jobs?

People talked a lot of crap on this movie at Sundance but I think they might just all be washed up old hags because holy crap this looks so good. Ashton Kutcher actually stops looking all Kutchery and looks a lot like Steve Jobs, and fake histories are such a cool trendy way to learn about like, real life stuff like the history of Apple Computers!! Way easier than reading Wikipedia. Josh Gad makes an appearance, of course. Man, I think back to those blissful halcyon days when I didn?t know who he was, when he was sprung, suddenly, fully-formed like Athena from the mind of Zeus in ?Love and Other Drugs? and I thought to myself ? who?s that chubby bastard? Well, now we know. Now we all know. The movie looks like it ends with the creation of the first iPod, which is pretty much when civilization gave up completely, so maybe we can consider this film the accurate history of the people who ruined the world by inventing products that made it easier for people to share selfies and talk about themselves on the Internet. Ugh now I don?t want to see it as much. (But I dooooo, so much.)
Starring: Ashton Kutcher, Josh Gad, J.K. Simmons
Release Date: August 16, 2013

2.) ?The Counselor?

The trailer doesn?t give much away about this story of drugs and lawyers, beautiful women and dangerous liaisons. This was perhaps one of the first times I realized how old everyone is getting, from Brad Pitt on down. Except Penelope Cruz, she exists in a vacuum where neither air, nor dirt, nor any living thing might mar her perfection. Cormac McCarthy wrote this one and Ridley Scott is making some kind of big to-do over being involved, so that probably means the story is kind of hard to sell on its own merits. I?m surprised Josh Gad isn?t in this one.
Starring: Brad Pitt, Michael Fassbender, Javier Bardem
Release Date: October 25, 2013

3.) ?Thanks for Sharing?

Mark Ruffalo as a sex addict, Paltrow as his new girlfriend and Josh Gad and Pink as members of his accountability group? Um, yeah, no duh, movie-people. Mark Ruffalo would totally be a sex addict, have you seen his perfectly ridiculous body and gorgeous voice? But the twist is that he doesn?t want to be one, but women keep throwing themselves at him and MAKING HIM ONE. Poor Mark Ruffalo, forced to be handsome in a world that cherishes and celebrates his virility. Gwyneth Paltrow makes some jokes about flip phones in the first part of this trailer, as if she?s ever touched a flip phone before in her life. She probably has some kind of crystal that she engraves messages on, then breathes positive energy into, then has the crystal delivered to her message recipient via organic Shetland pony cart. Dude, Pink is in this too. The Pink, the singer one who sings those songs you sometimes listen to and pretend you have never heard of. She maybe can act? But let?s not get ahead of ourselves.

We have our secondary Josh Gad sighting of the day, and he takes an even more central role as a pervy dude who can?t get his sexual impulses under control. These movies must have been made during such a specific time for poor Gadling. He was on ?1600 Penn?, he had all these movie offers, I bet he thought things were really happening for him. ?This is what they meant,? he thought as he read scripts sitting by the pool in his tiny house in the Valley, ?This is what it feels like to make it.? And then he wiggled his toes a bit, just because he could.

Starring: Gwyneth Paltrow, Mark Ruffalo, Tim Robbins
Release Date: September 20, 2013

4.) ?Escape Plan?

Stallone is a professional guy who breaks out of prisons but then someone invents a prison he can?t break out of!! But then it kind of looks like he does break out of it eventually. Weird hints of horror movies as well as ?The Cabin in the Woods?? Is that just me? Anyway, Aging Action Stars Teaming Up To Boost Their Popularity is pretty much its own sub-genre now, so let?s celebrate it in style with this mess of guns, explosions and prison violence!
Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, Vincent D?Onofrio
Release Date: October 18, 2013

5.) ?Breathe In?

Director Drake Doremus is back, not with a sequel to ?Like Crazy?, but a simple, lyrical narrative about forbidden lust and longing set against the backdrop of sedate northern New York state. A Sundance Film Fest selection for this year, Guy Pearce plays a married man enticed by the beauty and charm of his family?s young foreign exchange student, played by Felicity Jones. Doremus is particularly good at showing us into spaces that we thought no one else knew about, and the acting in this one carries it where the plot perhaps runs a bit thin.
Starring: Felicity Jones, Guy Pearce, Amy Ryan
Release Date: 2013

6.) ?Adore?

Yeah, I didn?t want to see this movie when it was called ?Two Mothers? and I don?t really want to see this hunk of hunk now. See? Like, hunk of junk? But there?s just a lot of hunks in this one? Two moms who are best friends want to bang each other?s son, which is all kinds of wacky I guess, mostly because the boys grew up together so it just seems like a lot of weird repressed Oedipal-ness. That?d be really rad if there was some Greek chorus element, but it looks like just lots of soft-core moments strung together like pretty baubles of sea glass.
Starring: Robin Wright, Naomi Watts, Ben Mendelsohn
Release Date: 2013

7.) ?Dealin? with Idiots?

Sometimes when I write this report, the snippets of past weeks lingers on and in this space was a sentence or two about time travel romance. Yeah, that?d be loads better than whatever this is, some movie by Jeff Garlin about a Jeff Garlin-esque guy who wants to make a movie about Jeff Garlin-esque problems. Maybe this is the kind of comedy that saves all the jokes for the actual movie and just puts all the boring bits in the trailer. Yeah, cause that?s a thing.
Starring: Jeff Garlin, Gina Gershon, Jami Gertz
Release Date: July 12, 2013

8.) ?Hell Baby?

The least original movie, but with kind of a charming cast. This looks a step above a rip-off parody movie done for cheap and a step below every other movie ever made. Could be funny, but nothing in the trailer is particularly funny, so it?s not actually that likely to be good. Maybe there?s a place for both people who like dumb horror movies and the erudite interested in body horror/feminist critiques of aggressively oppressive imagery. Nahhhhh.
Starring: Leslie Bibb, Rob Corddry, Thomas Lennon
Release Date: 2013

Come back next week for more power rankings!

Categories: Columns, Trailer Roundup

Tags: Adore, Ashton kutcher, Breathe In, Escape Plan, JOBS, Steve jobs, Thanks for Sharing, The Counselor, Trailer power rankings

Source: http://www.film.com/movies/trailer-power-rankings-steve-jobs-is-still-unbeatable

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